i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
