so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
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