Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
