trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
