we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
