She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
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