I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
