I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
