Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
