i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
All I want is dick and wine.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Randomize
