if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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