winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
