Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
