ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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