we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Naked Twister starts at high noon
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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