Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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