his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize