And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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