Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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