Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
