Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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