70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
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