I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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