I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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