I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
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