Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Randomize
