I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
