Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
