After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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