you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
cat food counts as protein by the way
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
