Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Randomize
