I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
