I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I cut my penus on the lid.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
