is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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