I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
