the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
You can't just leave with hair like that
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
