Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
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