You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Randomize
