Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
