Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I understand Curling. That high.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
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