the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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