So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
