Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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