Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
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