If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize