dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
