i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
