I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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