i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
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