I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
