I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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