My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
