i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
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