positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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