She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
