Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
