you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
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