uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
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