But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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