farters have to be the big spoon...
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Randomize
