In America we eat man semen.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Randomize
