I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
where are my eyebrows?
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