in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
