It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
