Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize