dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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