Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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