I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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