Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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