So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
